How to set the stakes, start small, and use scripts to learn how to be more assertive

Whenever I teach my impostor syndrome workshop, there is a question that never fails to come up in the Q&A: After I get rid of my impostor syndrome, how do I do the thing?

How do I ask for the raise, get my partner to do more work around the house, convince a professor to stop an ableist practice, or quit backing down in arguments? I’m not aggressive, I want to be nice, and I don’t want to cause too much trouble.

Be assertive, I say. Then another hand pops up.

Okay, how?

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for something, express yourself, or stand your ground in a positive and calm way that is neither passive nor aggressive and it’s a skill that can be learned.

Assertiveness is not aggression, although to the unassertive person, it can feel like an almost violent act at first. Release the idea that being assertive makes you a bully! Being assertive can actually help you control negative emotions and it’s all about respecting the other person’s experience as well.

Even confident people might find that they’re not assertive, because the action part trips them up. Assertiveness = confidence + a goal. You can be a confident person, but when you assert yourself, there is an end goal in mind.

A few weeks ago, Taylor Elyse Morrison, the Founder of Inner Workout, had me as a guest on her Be School Podcast to talk about asserting yourself. I shared my top tips and techniques with her, but if you want to get started right now, there are some things you can do to practice being more assertive today.

Here are three easy steps you can take to be more assertive

First, set the stakes and ask yourself what you’ll miss out on if you don’t become more assertive

I’m a big fan of setting the stakes! Grab your journal and write down exactly what’s at stake if you don’t learn how to be assertive. “If I don’t learn how to be assertive, I will”:

• Never be able to negotiate for raises, missing out on thousands of dollars over my lifetime

• Always be the roommate who cleans up after parties and guests

• Always be the one who is asked to take notes during meetings

• Never get the opportunity to be on the team for big projects at work

Articulating exactly what’s at stake for you if you don’t do something solidifies it in your mind and gives you the energy to take the next step.

Want to learn how to be more assertive and stand up for yourself? Figure out what’s at stake, practice on something small, and get scripts ready. Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Next, start small by practicing being assertive on low-risk activities

On the podcast, I gave an example from The Office (my friends and I are like, trivia-winning-level fans of The Office). On the show, Pam goes up to the bar on a night out and asks for two beers. When the bartender sets them down, she realizes that they’re both regular beers when she had asked for one of them to be a light beer. She had previously said that she was trying to stand up for herself more often, so she turns back to the bar and boldly says, “One of these was supposed to be a light beer.” The bartender shrugs and swaps it out and Pam is immensely pleased with herself. She practiced being assertive on a low-risk activity.

Possibly the most important part of this is that the bartender didn’t care. Even when we think the risk is high (like with a salary negotiation), very often, the other person doesn’t see that same risk at all. They have their own issues and fears and thoughts and stresses that they’re dealing with. They’re not thinking of yours.

Have you ever worked up the courage to do or ask for something only to have the other person agree to it instantly? That can be your life all the time (only, working up the courage will get easier and easier as you practice).

Then, when you’re going to assert yourself in a high(er)-risk situation, have scripts ready

I’m not talking about risks like skydiving or swimming with sharks. I’m thinking about things like when a coworker refers to his female colleagues as “girls” and you’d like to ask him to stop or when your family member or roommate leaves their wet laundry in the washing machine, meaning you have to transfer it to the dryer for them every single time. These are things that might be high-risk (read: stressful) for you. If you snap at someone, they’ll discount what you’re saying (aggressive!), so decide what you’re going to say and practice saying it calmly and confidently. Decide what you’ll say if (when) they deny it or push back. Decide the maximum amount of effort you’re willing to put in and when you will walk away if you don’t get what you want.

Being assertive is a slow, steady path, but it’s the best way to get you to your goal. Think about how someone would move a big boulder when there are no wheels available. A passive person would leave the boulder where it is. An aggressive person would push or throw the boulder into place but might crush something, break the boulder, or have bad aim and have the boulder miss its mark.

An assertive person would cut logs and lay them down to roll the boulder along, moving the logs from the back to the front one at a time, steadily until the boulder reaches its destination. You can move the boulder. All you need are the right tools, a little patience, and determination.

Need more tools and tips for how to be more assertive?

I host a workshop that goes over these tips and so many more. We discuss the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness, examine thinking and behavior patterns that keep us from asserting ourselves, learn how to say no and define what we want, and discover techniques we can use to get assertive in an overwhelming world.